Couples Therapy

Changing the Conversation Can Change the Relationship

When you're caught in recurring conflict with someone you love, it can begin to feel as though you're having the same argument over and over again. Each person feels misunderstood, unheard, or blamed—and the harder you try to make your point, the further apart you may become.

Couples therapy can help you step out of that cycle and develop more effective ways of understanding, communicating, and relating to one another.

My Approach

My approach to couples therapy draws on my training in couples and family systems therapy at the Ackerman Institute for the Family, as well as the TEAM-CBT relationship model developed by Dr. David Burns.

Depending on the nature of the difficulty, I may work with couples together from a family systems perspective. When recurring conflict and communication are at the heart of the problem, I may use the TEAM-CBT relationship model, which can be highly effective even when working with one person who is motivated to improve an important relationship.

At the heart of the relationship model is a challenging but powerful idea: rather than focusing primarily on everything the other person needs to change, we begin by examining our own contribution to the conflict.

This isn't about accepting all the blame. It's about recognizing that the part of the relationship we have the greatest power to change is our own response—and that changing the way one person communicates can begin to change the interaction itself.

The Five Secrets of Effective Communication

Once we understand how our own responses may be contributing to conflict, I teach the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, a central component of the TEAM-CBT relationship model.

These are specific skills for listening with empathy, finding some truth in what the other person is saying—even when it feels unfair—expressing your own thoughts and feelings directly and tactfully, asking questions that invite greater understanding, and maintaining warmth and respect even in the midst of disagreement.

This is deliberately not a problem-solving model. Before trying to fix the problem, the emphasis is on changing the way you communicate about it. When people feel genuinely heard and understood, the conversation itself can begin to change.

These are skills we actively practice in our sessions so that you can learn to use them in real conversations outside of therapy.

Not Just for Couples

Although these skills are particularly useful for couples, the TEAM-CBT relationship model can be applied to virtually any important relationship—with a spouse or partner, parent, adult child, sibling, friend, or colleague.

And because this approach focuses on what you can change, the other person doesn't necessarily need to participate in therapy for you to begin changing the relationship.

When ADHD Affects a Relationship

ADHD can add another layer of frustration to relationships. Difficulties with attention, organization, time management, or follow-through may be interpreted by a partner as not caring or not listening, while the person with ADHD may feel chronically criticized or misunderstood.

When ADHD is part of the picture, we can address those challenges while also strengthening the communication skills that help both people feel heard, respected, and understood.

An Active Approach

Relationship work requires a willingness to look honestly at your own role in difficult interactions rather than focusing solely on changing the other person.

When using the TEAM-CBT relationship model, I may recommend reading Feeling Good Together by Dr. David Burns and listening to selected examples of relationship work before or during treatment. These resources can help you understand the approach and practice the skills we're developing together.

Ready to Get Started?

If you and your partner keep finding yourselves caught in the same conflicts—or you're struggling in another important relationship—I'd be happy to speak with you about whether working together may be a good fit.

Schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation to learn more.

‍ ‍.Contact Karen:

Phone: 212-734-4302

Email: Karen@ManhattanIntegrativeTherapy.com